We could all enjoy our flights if we agree to a few rules of courtesy.

I have a childless friend — a real sweetheart, honest — who once told me that children should not be allowed to fly on commercial aircraft.

She declined to make exceptions even for family funerals or intercontinental moves, much less visiting a family-friendly vacation destination. Kids just ruin air travel for everyone, and it ought to be stopped, she maintained. Apparently she’s not the only one who feels that way.

I had to laugh because from my point of view, when I travel with my two children, I’m the one who’s going through the wringer. I’m the one who’s moving double time to get 20 pieces of baby equipment through security while taking off the baby’s shoes and holding onto a toddler who runs like the wind; I’m the one who’s getting trampled while trying to break down my stroller at the end of the jet way.

But my friend’s stance forced me to consider that, yes, non-parents also suffer discomforts when children travel. Some of these discomforts are just part of life and should be borne with the same tolerance we offer to an elderly person with a walker who might need extra time to cross the street. For example, despite all efforts, I might not be able to stop an infant from screaming as her eardrums pound during landing.

But many of the discomforts of both parties could be avoided if we all behaved better. With that in mind, I propose a contract — a treaty, if you will — between the child-free traveler and the parents of broods on the move.

I, THE TRAVELING PARENT, AGREE:

1. To move kids and all their stuff through security as rapidly as possible, even if this requires timed trials at home.

2. To stay out of First Class and First Class Lounges, unless my children are better behaved than the von Trapp singers AFTER Julie Andrews took over.

3. To do my best not to whack you with the car seat as we board (see Part II, Line 6).

4. To never allow my child to delay takeoff, even if this means physically forcing her butt into that seat belt.

5. To minimize infant crying during takeoff, landing and throughout the flight. Please be advised that this may involve the use of my breasts.

6. To keep my children busy and soothed throughout the flight, not let them pester you while I take a sleeping pill or watch a movie.

7. To change all poopy diapers in the plane bathroom, despite the lack of changing table and the fact that I may have to drag my other children in there with me if we are traveling alone.

8. To do everything in my power to prevent seat kicking.

9. To catch any and all vomit before it enters your personal space, even if this means taking the hit with my own body.

II. YOU, THE CHILD-FREE TRAVELER, AGREE:

1. To let me back into the security line if I need to bolt to catch a runaway toddler.

2. To refrain from joking about how full my hands are. I’m aware.

3. To offer help if you have time and are less encumbered than I am.

4. Not to expect me to keep my kids silent in the boarding area so you can conduct business on your cell phone. This is a public place, not an office.

5. Not to crowd the gate during pre-boarding (if any airline still offers it), preventing me getting my kids on the plane when we’re supposed to.

6. Not to push past me on the jetway if I am still breaking down my stroller by the time you get there. Believe me, you don’t really want to be in your seat when I walk down that narrow aisle with a carseat in my arms.

7. To refrain from sighing, weeping or glaring if you are seated next to my children and me. We are not lepers, we plan to be pleasant travel companions, and WE CAN HEAR YOU.

8. Not to complain (or stare!) if I need to breastfeed my baby during the flight. Believe me, no matter how much discomfort witnessing this act may cause you, the alternative is worse.

9. To face your computer screen away from my child if you must watch a violent or sexy movie during the flight. We’re trying for our best behavior here — you can too.

Photo by jyri via Creative Commons license.